Meet the Belladonnas!
by The Layman
Summary: What happens when your ex boyfriend won't get it through his thick head it's over between you two? Find out on this week's episode of Meet the Belladonnas! (Parody, crack, so much ship teasing. You were warned.)


" _Meet the Belladonnas" was written in front of a live studio audience._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The scene opens with a shot of the Belladonna mansion, which then fades to a shot of Kali Belladonna sitting in the den, humming and folding laundry.

"La la-la, la-la…,~" she sang, placing a pair of Ghira's pants onto a pile before pulling another article of clothing from the basket. She held it up to examine it, frowning at letting out a sigh.

"Oh, I _told_ that man not to wear his good pants to the Outdoor Wrestling competition yesterday…," she lamented, shaking her head. The audience chuckled at this. "Oh well, I suppose I'll just add it to the pile with the rest…." She tossed the offending pair of pants over her shoulder onto a large pile of threadbear pants, revealing the offending pants to be without their pockets.

The audience guffawed.

" _Kali, kitty-cat?_ " someone called from outside, " _Where you doing some work on the siding earlier?_ "

"No, poo-bear!" she called back, folding a yukata robe. "Why do you ask?"

At that moment there was a loud bang, followed by Ghira Belladonna stomping into the den to the audience applause.

"Then _why_ is there a ladder leading up to our daughter's balcony?" the gargantuan Faunus man roared, pointing in the direction he just came from.

"...maybe Blake's just concerned about fire safety?" the matron suggested weakly, to the audience's mirth.

A giant sweat drop appeared on Kali's forehead.

"She's with that Sun Wukong boy again, isn't she?" Ghira deduced, growling.

" _Why_ ever _would you say that, darling?_ " she asked through a laughter inducing, clearly pasted on smile. "After all, we did just enter the dry season."

Before the Belladonna patriarch could respond to his wife's rice paper thin deception, Sun Wukong chose that moment to walk into the den behind Ghira, the audience applauding as he casually twirled his monkey tail around.

"Hey Mr & Mrs. B!" he said, giving the two adults a friendly wave. "Is Blake around? Our friends were gonna spend the day in Vale and we wanted to know if she was interested in coming with."

"How...where did you come from?..." Ghira asked.

"Uh...from the front door? It was open," Sun explained. "By the way, are you guys doing some work in you house? Cuz I just saw a ladder out there. Plus there's a bunches of black lilies on the ground next to it."

For a moment Ghira stood in shock, his mouth slightly agape. (Kali let out a sigh of relief) Then his face contorted in rage when he realized that the situation was even worse than just an unwanted suitor.

"ADAM!" he screamed, stomping towards the stairs, "You stay the hell away from my daughter!"

As the large man headed off Sun turned to Kali with a confused look, the feline woman merely shrugging. This elicited more laughter from the audience as the opening title sequence played.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

 _[insert Full House theme song here]_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

When the opening ends it fades into the Belladonna's kitchen, where Kali is currently preparing two large fish for lunch. There was also a kettle and a pot boiling in the stove.

Then, without preamble, Blake stomped into the kitchen and flopped heavily down at the table, exclaiming "UGHHHHHHHHHH!" as she did.

"What's the matter, sweetie?" Kali asked, looking up from the food. She walked over to her daughter and began rubbing her back.

The audience cooed.

"It's Dad," the younger Faunus explained, "He grounded me, even though it was _Adam's_ fault for sneaking into my room!" Her head fell forward, cat ears on top of her head drooping, "It's like he doesn't trust me…."

The audience "Awwwwwww!"'d as Kali drew Blake into a hug.

"I know it can be tough," she said, "you father isn't the most reserved person in Remnant. He loves you just as much as I do, it's just...he has trouble expressing it sometimes…."

"You mean like the time he made a public decree that he'd be interviewing all my potential boyfriends?" Blake pointed out, which got a good chuckle from the audience.

Kali nodded sadly, remembering the incident all too well. "I was his stenographer for that…."

Another chuckle from the audience.

Just then someone knocked on the door that led to the back yard, the abrupt sound startling the two women slightly.

"I wonder who that could be...," Kali exclaimed once her nerves calmed a little. She turned to her daughter, "were you expecting anyone?"

Blake shook her head wordlessly.

The person knocked again.

Curious as to who would come through the back door, Kali headed over and, after undoing the lock, gently pulled it open.

"Yo yo yo! What's up, my Bellabitches!" announced and exuberant Yang Xiao-Long to thunderous adulation. This lasted for at least twenty seconds, with Yang making copious gestures towards the audience. "What's shaking, Bellamommy?"

"Hello Yang," Kali said, bowing respectfully, "I didn't know Blake invited you over."

"I didn't," Blake clarified, signing as she joined her mom. "And _please_ stop adding 'bella' to the front of every word, it's annoying."

"Don't _Bellacount_ on it!" she responded, shooting Blake finger guns while winking at the audience, who at it up. Then she dropped the goofball act and said "But seriously, I heard Blakey couldn't leave the house and came by to keep her company."

Blake looked disbelieving. "That only happened an hour ago, how'd you hear about that?"

"Oh, I have my sources…!" she assured Blake, winking at the camera again.

"...it was Sun, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, yeah it was…."

The audience laughed.

"That said, you guys got any grub? I'm starving!"

"Well, I _was_ just preparing some sushi for dinner…," Kali said glancing over at the tuna still resting on the counter, "but I was going to wait until Ghira got back before serving it…."

"Where _is_ Belladaddy anyway?" Yang asked, looking around. "I thought he'd be playing ' _guard dog'_!"

The audience laughed and Blake facepalmed as Yang did jazz hands.

"Escorting Adam to the police," Kali explained, shaking her head in disappointment, "The boy was trespassing, after all."

"You'd think he'd have learned his lesson after the twelfth time this happened," Yang commented, and while not hammy, it still earned a chuckle from the audience.

Blake groaned. "I only went out with him for a week, and _he_ was the one who broke things off in the first place!" she exclaimed, "I just wish there was a way to get it through his thick head that it's over between us…."

As Kali gave her daughter another motherly hug an idea was forming in Yang's mind. Blake would probably think it was a terrible, ill conceived idea, with a very low chance of working and a high probability to backfire.

Which, in Yang's mind, equated to "so crazy it just might work!

"I think I may have the answer to your problem, Blake; just gimme some time to set things up!" The blonde headed for the door, briefly turning back and stating "Don't worry, I won't be ' _Xiao-Long'!_ "

Yeah audience cackled, which only increased when a wadded up napkin bounced off of Yang's forehead, the image freezing on Yang's indignant face.

" _Meet the Belladonnas" will return after these messages..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

 _The commercial begins with a quick fade in on a female deer Faunus reading a book._

" _How many times has this happened to you?" an off screen narrator asks. "You get to the end of a great book and there's a cliffhanger-" We then see the deer lady look disappointed. "-but you don't have the next book in the series." The scene cuts to the deer lady frantically looking through a bookcase, briefly glancing at random titles and tossing each behind her._

 _Then it cuts to a rather scruffy looking, dark haired man wearing a black muscle T-shirt standing in the middle of a cozy looking bookstore. He says "Then come to Tukson's Book Trade, home to every book under the sun!" He gestured to the shelves, "We have fiction, nonfiction, novels, biographies, autobiographies, magazines, comics, graphic novels, and even stuff for the kids!" Graphics of each word he said popped up on screen as he said them. "But don't take my word for it, just listen to these satisfied customers!" The camera then switches to a shot of a young adult Faunus girl with cat ears standing outside the store._

" _Tukson always keeps his shelves stocked, so I never have to miss an installment of Ninjas of Lo- Wait, I mean-!"_

 _Then it cuts to a shot of a red headed young woman looking slightly uncomfortable. She spoke stiffly, staring straight at the camera, "When_ ever _I have free time in my_ busy _schedule, I_ always _stop by Tukson's Book Trade; whether a_ periodical _or a_ novella _, Tukson has it." Then she glances off camera, "...was that good? Did I read everything prop-"_

 _Cut to a disinterested young man reading a comic book with silver hair. He briefly glances up, "So he caries nudie mags, ri-"_

 _Cut to a girl with pink and black hair who stared at the camera with an unreadable expression. Then she abruptly holds up a carton of ice cream with we face on it and a sign that reads "Buy my ice cream!". This is barely on screen for a second before it cuts back to Tukson._

" _So come on down and see for yourself how our selection compares to other booksellers. And if you can't find what you're looking for then we can special order it at only the cost of the book; we'll cover the shipping!"_

 _Then the image cuts to a shot of Tukson standing in front of his store in all its hole-in-the-wall glory, "Tukson's Book Trade: home to every book under the-"_

 _He gets abruptly cut off when the deer Faunus from earlier barreled into him, knocking him to the ground as she zoomed into the store, emerging a moment later with a stack of books in her arms and dropping some Lien on him before zooming away._

 _At this point another announcer chimes in with the disclaimer. "'Tukson's Book Trade is not responsible for any book related injuries, or injuries related to book obsessions. We also do not literally have 'every book under the sun'; it's just a slogan."_

 _While this is going on, the small, silent girl from before walks into the shot and once again holds up her ice cream carton and sign, this time reading "Seriously people, buy 'Neo's Neo'."_

 _The commercial ends before she's even had the sign up for a full second._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

 _And now, back to the show…._

The show fades back in on the Marketplace district of Menagerie the next day as Blake and Yang make their way down the broadway.

"Is this really necessary?" she asked, scratching at the bow she now wore. Yang had insisted that she dress up for the outing, and in addition to the bow she wore tight black pants held up by a black belt, and a baggy, midriff bearing white shirt that was zipped up (yes, it had a zipper, shut up!) to just above her cleavage. She had the sleeves of the shirt pushed up to her elbows, revealing a couple ribbons wrapped around her wrists, and a pair of high heeled boots completed her ensemble. "I feel like I'm being put on display…."

By contrast, Yang's outfit looked positively grungy: cargo pants, a simple orange tank top, and a baggy grey jacket were the extent of her "dressing up". "All part of the plan!" the blonde said. She pulled Blake into a shoulder hug, "Trust me, we pull this off and you can kiss your Adam troubles goodbye! C'mon Blakey, when have I ever steered you wrong?"

Blake narrowed her eyes and asked "Do you want the list chronologically or alphabetically?"

The audience laughed as Yang gave her friend a exasperated look.

"Both Sun and Weiss- _Weiss_ of all people… -said they were cool with it, so just have a little faith, OK?"

Though Blake remained wary, that fact remained that if _Weiss Schnee_ , one of the most uptight girls she'd ever known in her entire life (often called the "Ice Queen" behind her back because of how unsympathetic she could be) was on board with Yang's cockamamie scheme, then there had to be at least _some_ merit to it.

Then again, Yang was still _Yang_ ….

"Fine...," she relented, her bow seeming to droop a little, "...but if this starts to get embarrassing then I'm leaving without a second thought, got it?"

Yang nodded. "That's all I ask!"

Blake sighed as they continued walking down the street, resigning to trust her friend's judgement. It wasn't that all Yang's plans ended in disaster, there were some that by some miracle managed to work out despite all the odds stacked against them; the thing was that 9 times out of 10 Blake was usually ended up in some sort embarrassing positions a result, and as such she pretty much had to make peace with the fact that she wasn't allowed to have a social life anymore.

Occasionally Yang would point something out in between making conversation, some tasty looking food or a piece of cheap jewelry she thought Blake would like, and over time Blake actually found that she was starting to enjoy herself: none of the wacky shenanigans she was fearing had happened yet, it was just two friends hanging out with no particular goal in mind, something Blake realized she sorely missed. They eventually met up with another couple of their friends; Pyrrha Nikos, minor celebrity and star at pretty much everything she did, and Jaune Arc, her boyfriend who, to put it frankly, was lucky to be dating someone as out of his league as Pyrrha.

"Hey, is anyone else feeling hungry?" Yang asked as the group passed a noodle stand with an enticing aroma wafting from it.

As if in answer Jaune's stomach chose that moment to let out an audible gurgle, which elicited a hearty chuckle from the audience. "Kinda…," he admitted, rubbing his head sheepishly.

"I am as well," Pyrrha said, coming to her boyfriend's rescue. "Why don't we all stop here for lunch? I just got paid for a modeling job, so it'll be my treat."

Yang held her hand up dismissively, "Thanks for the offer, Pyr, but I can take care of me and Blake. Right Kitty-cat?" She looked over at Blake for confirmation, only to find her friend staring at something, a bit of drool dropping from her agape mouth.

The audience chuckled at that, only to grow into full on laughter as Yang followed Blake's gaze to a juicy looking tuna that was being grilled.

"Hey, Blake!" Yang poked her in the shoulder.

"I want all the fish!" she blurted out, only to look away bashfully as her face grew red. "I-I mean...food sounds good…."

The audience found this exchange _hilarious_.

Yang just chuckled and shook her head. "Come on, let's get a seat."

Blake nodded and trudged over to the stand hopped up on one of the stools. Yang sat down next to her, while Jaune and Pyrrha sat on the opposite side.

"Hey!" Yang rapped on the bar to get the owner's attention, "An extra large bowl of noodles for my friend and I to share!" Then she hugged Blake around the shoulder and slid some money across to the owner, "And throw some of that fish on top, OK?" The owner nodded and grabbed the money, turning his back briefly before sliding a good sized bowl of noodles (topped with strips of succulent looking tuna) back across.

"Mmm, that smells good!" Jaune said, fanning some of the aroma towards him.

"It does, doesn't it?" agreed Pyrrha before turning to the stand owner, "We'll have two regular bowls of what she ordered."

Two normal sized bowls of noodles were slid in front of them.

As Pyrrha handed money to the owner Blake looked back and forth between her bowl (her and Yang's, technically…) and the bowls her friends got. "Why did we only get one bowl?" she asked Yang, who slurped some noodles up before she answered.

"I got enough for both of us," she explained, not _actually_ answering Blake's question. She slurped another bite and moaned in delight. "Seriously Blakey, you gotta try this!" She scooped up some of the noodles on her chopsticks and held it out to Blake. "C'mon, it's good!"

Blake stared at the offered food uncertainty, then raised an eyebrow at Yang. "I know how to eat," she said.

"Just humor me, OK?" Yang held the noodles a little higher.

Hesitantly, Blake leaned forward and took a bite of the noodles (they were actually pretty tasty, with a hint of fishy flavor on them) and started slightly when Yang leaned in as well, blushing faintly.

The audience took in a collective breath.

" _This is all part of the plan,_ " Yang explained in a low voice, " _just play along and your Adam problems will be solved forever!_ "

Blake grimaced, by it was almost immediately replaced by resignation; Yang seemed confident in her plan (which she still neglected to share with Blake, for the record) even if Blake wasn't, so she figured she'd play along and see what happened.

"Well," Yang asked, now speaking in normal volume, "how is it?"

"...it's good," she said, not wanting to lie but at the same time trying to go along (with no point of reference) to what Yang was aiming for.

Yang smiled and gave her a playful sock to the jaw. "You're adorable when you try to play aloof!~" Blake said nothing and took another bite of the noodles with her own chopsticks, trying not to act embarrassed at the weird compliments Yang kept throwing her way.

The audience cooed at this.

The rest of the meal went pretty much the same way: Yang would do something unusually intimate (wiping something from the corner of her mouth after a particularly messy slurp of noodles, for instance) and Blake would try to respond in a positive but ultimately neutral way. Occasionally she'd look over at her human friends to taser that they were doing the same kinds of things Yang was doing with her.

She was starting to get an idea of what Yang's plan was….

However, before she could confront Yang about it she heard a voice call " _Blake Belladonna!"_ that immediately set her nerves on edge. This was followed by the sounds of a small commotion, and soon Adam Taurus came into view, shoving people out of the way as he made a beeline for the noodle stand.

"What's _he_ doing here?" she hissed, her bow flattening against her head.

Yang, on the other hand, apparently thought this was a good thing, judging by the grin she now wore. "This is perfect!" she said, "I was hoping this would happen, actually."

"You were _what_?" Blake demanded right before Yang put a finger to her lips.

"Just let me do the talking and this'll be over in no time, OK?"

By this point Adam had almost reached them, and as such Blake didn't have time to protest.

"Fancy seeing you here, Taurus," Yang said cordially, "We would have said hi if we'd _pasture_."

Blake groaned internally at Yang's pun, while the audience ate it up.

The bovine Faunus ignored Yang and addressed Blake directly. "What are you doing with _her_?" he demanded practically biting the words out.

"She's on a date with me," Yang said, getting up from her stool. "We're on a double with Pyrrha and Jaune, in case you hadn't noticed." Adam glanced over at the young sweethearts.

"It's true," Pyrrha confirmed, "Blake was hesitant about coming out so Yang asked us to do a double date to help her gain some confidence."

Adam turned back to Blake, "Is this true?"

 _First I've heard of it…_ , Blake thought to herself. "...yes," she answered, "it is." _Well, in for a Lien…_ "Yang's a sweetheart for thinking of that."

The audience "D'aw"d.

Yang nodded proudly, "I am, aren't I?"

Adam raised a dubious eyebrow. "Yeah, I'm not buying it," he said, folding his arms. "This has to be some half assed attempt of Blake's to convince herself that she's magically over me."

 _So close,_ Blake thought dryly, _and yet…._

"Sounds to me like _Blake_ isn't the one in denial about this," Yang accused, "Face it, Taurus, she's been over you since day one!"

"Yeah!" Jaune added in a moment of chivalry, "You probably didn't even _care_ about her until she left!"

As fast as a whip Adam locked eyes with Jaune, growling slightly.

Jaune immediately shrunk back, whimpering a little, as Pyrrha moved behind him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

"Hit a nerve, _cow_ boy?" Yang asked. (The audience chuckled.)

"Shut up! What makes you think I'll just let you steal my Blake away without-"

" _Excuse you_ ," Blake interjected hotly, "you don't _own_ me!"

"You stay out of this!" Adam snapped.

"Hey, eyes on me!" Yang snapped back: as in, she literally snapped her fingers at Adam, "I'm trying to defend my girlfriend's honor, here!"

"She's not _yours_!" Adam protested.

"Well look who's talking!"

As the argument drew on Blake found herself growing more and more frustrated at the entire scenario. She'd actually been enjoying the outing, hanging out and having fun with her good friends...and then her thorn-in-her-side ex-boyfriend shows up and does nothing but cause trouble. But the worst part was that neither he nor Yang would let her get a word in edgewise to defend herself in the argument!

Not the mention the whole ordeal had completely ruined her appetite.

Eventually, after around the eleventh time Adam insisted that she "belonged" to him, Blake decided that enough was enough.

 _Count yourself lucky, Yang Xiao-Long; I'm only doing this to end this stupid argument._

"She's much happier with _me;_ at least _I_ don't make stupid jokes about her name!"

"OK, that argument is total bullsh-"

On impulse, Blake grabbed Yang's head and locked lips with her before the blonde could finish her sentence. And it wasn't just a light kiss either, this was a full on makeout style snog. Needless to say, Yang was caught completely off guard by this, her eyes comically bugging out.

Adam, Pyrrha and Jaune all stared speechless.

"I did _not_ see this coming…," Jaune remarked.

After a good, solid minute of one sided making out (Yang's brain might have shut down do to shock) Blake broke away from the kiss and turned to Adam. " _There_ , are you satisfied that Yang and I are a thing? Will you leave us alone now?"

But before anyone else could react, they heard someone say " _...Blake?"_ behind them, which caused all the hairs in a certain car Faunus's neck to stand on end and her eyes to bug out. (the audience, of course, found this hilar She _slowly_ craned her neck around to find that her father was the one who spoke, the gargantuan Faunus man looking like he was having a hard time processing what he was seeing.

"Dad, I can explain!" she blurted out upon seeing her father, who seemed to recover enough at her protestation to speak.

"No, you don't have to. It's just...you could have told your mother and I, you know; we wouldn't love you any less."

" _No_ Dad, it's-" she tried to explain before getting interrupted.

"Wow Blake, you've got me all hot and bothered," Yang said, fanning herself. "In fact…," she looked right at the camera, giving finger guns to the audience, "I'm so hot, _I burn_!"

The audience cheered and applauded as Yang dropped her catchphrase.

Seeing as Yang wasn't any help, she turned to Jaune and Pyrrha for support, but Jaune's assurance of "You two make a good couple" and Pyrrha's silent yet enthusiastic thumbs up had the opposite effect that they surely intended.

Quickly running out of options Blake desperately turned to Adam in the hopes that his ridiculously stubborn denial of their separation would at least give her father pause, but to her shock and horror the young man was trudging away with his hands in his pockets. "Have fun messing around with Blondie," he called back, "you'll come back to me eventually."

Blake's mouth hung open; not only were people getting the wrong idea about her, but Adam _still_ didn't get it through his thick head that she was over him, which was the whole point of this fiasco in the first place!

And the worst part was she had only herself to blame for it, too.

Just then Ruby popped up in the foreground of the shot, facing the camera and stating "It's a living!" while giving a shrug.

The audience laughed and applauded as the image froze and the credits started playing over a reprise of the theme song.

 _fin._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

 _Wah waaaaaah! Bahgee bahgee bahgee that's all, folks!_

 _Now all that's left is to see if the network will pick it up._

 _But seriously, I had a ton of fun writing this! (Check out my FE: Awakening fic "That's Our Tharja" to see my first take on the gimmick.) I have a special place in my heart for sitcoms and RWBY was just_ begging _to be given the syndicated treatment! Yes, I know there's already a sitcom style episode of RWBY CHIBI, but I wanted to try my own hand at the concept, and I think it turned out pretty good, if I do say so myself!_

 _Funny thing is, this story was originally going to look decidedly different than how it turned out. For starters, I'd originally planned on focusing more on Kali and the events that went on in the Belladonna household itself, and Sun was going to have a much larger role in the story than he ended up with. However, once I was writing the scene in the kitchen and started thinking about how Yang would handle the task of dissuading a clingy ex the rest sort of just fell into place._

 _For the record, I vehemently don't ship Bumblebee, and I have no plans to continue the story past the point I left off on (because I know people will ask about that second point), so I hope y'all enjoyed the tease! (Hue hue hue…!~)_

 _Yes, I are stinker. #dealwithit_

 _Anyway, aside from here you can also find me on Twitter ( the_layman215), playing games on Twitch (I'm "the_layman"), and on YouTube. And I'm also a part of "Let's Finding Love", a YouTube show where my friend and I play visnovels and dating sims. It should be a lot of fun. ...but it's more likely gonna be a lot of suffering, cringe, and pain (for us) with a bunch of commentators calling us "weebs"._

 _So it should still be a good time either way._

 _Oh yeah, and I have a bunch of other RWBY Fanfiction as well! You should give those a looksee, I'm really proud of how they all turned out._


End file.
